January - Was back in Focus trying to get my life back on track… Getting put on new medication after new medication
February- More medication issues, couldn’t handle the medications had to have my sister move in with me because they were threatening to put me into a home for adult mental health care.
March- Sister now my caretaker lives with me full time.
April- Sister and I went to Ohio to visit Amber and her friend. Had a blast.
May-Bob died. Entire world shifted.
June- Moved twice. Moved to a house were we thought it was fine got kicked out moved back to old shitty apartment.
July- Finished getting all of Bob’s stuff into the one bedroom apartment.
August- Thought we were moving up to Binghamton. Met a horrid person thought I was pregnant. Came back negative. Got tested for Diabetes came back negative.
September-Moved to Canton.
October- Got apartment settled… Stormie died.
November- Finally starting to get more stable.
December- Started to date Brian my boyfriend who literally walked right through my front door.
Yeah 2009 was a year from hell. I just seemed to fail last year. Now its time to get my ass in gear and change for the better!

♥ Karyn

I had a minor melt down today. I don’t want to get into it but my entire body hurts. I sobbed quite a bit today. The only good side to anything was that my sister and step mom are making me cookies. Snicker doodles to be exact. This brings back a lot of memories for me because that was my favorite cookie growing up and still is today. It’s also the first cookie that I learned how to back myself. This is back when I wanted to be a cook, what I was thinking I have no idea.
Have you ever had such an emotional break that your entire body hurts and you just want to curl up into a ball and sleep? After everything that is so overloaded on you… its just too much. Its 2010 and I feel like I am going no where and quick. So I need to get my ass in gear and start working hard again. Instead of just giving up.

♥ Karyn

Yes karyn is drunk. happy new year! i spent the new year with my favortiest people. jet dj my boyfriend brian and jd. we started to drink at 7… its midnight now… so yeha… going to go sleep next to teh mots wonderful man

I’ve always wanted to be perfect. I’m always striving to do things right. I just can’t stand to look out on life and realize that things are my fault. Its a struggle inside me, every second of everyday. Knowing that things could have been so different if I had just given in and did what they had wanted. I wonder at times what its like to be a lab rat and then I look over the shit Northern Tier Counseling wanted to do and has done to me I no longer have to know… Its just a lot to take in. I feel so guilty over so much and here I am for the first time in my life happy as hell, yet guilty as hell to think that things could have been so different.

I’ve been so deliriously happy for the past couple of weeks. Nearly too happy. I had a good Christmas even if I didn’t get a lot of material things. I spent time with my loved ones and fell asleep in my boyfriends arms. Than it hit me. Something was going to happen. It did. I went in to go to bed and he looked upset. I finally asked what was wrong and he said that he wanted to go into the job corps. He gets a monthly allowance and will graduate able to get any job he wanted. It might even help him get driver’s license. My heart sank as I put on my brave face and said that I was proud of him which I am very proud of him. But I just am scared. I’m scared that he’ll fall for someone better than me. I’m scared that my sister is going to grow tired of me. I’m just sad. He’s going to talk to his sister about this I think tomorrow and I want to be asking a lot of questions but I think I’ll just listen instead. I’m just so incredibly scared.

I took my apartment mates to dinner last night, there was my sister and her boyfriend as well as myself and my boyfriend. We had a good time, and since we went to a local restaurant over in the next town we thought the food was going to be alright… we were wrong. The service was alright, but the expensive meal basically sucked. My sister’s boyfriend got a burger that wasn’t done the way he’d asked, the food in general made my boyfriend and I sicker then all get out with horrible stomach cramps, and to top it all off they automatically added a 3 dollar tip…. um the service was good but not worth 3 dollars! But whatever. We went to the Family Dollar afterward and I finally got a DVD player so once my sister brings up her TV that she is giving to me, I can actually watch DVD’s in my bed room.. I’m excited! I’m also sicker than hell and really just want to die at this moment.

I got my Christmas money and I STILL don’t feel like its Christmas. I’m sick so that makes it a little better on the Christmas adjenda. I get sick every Christmas. I just dunno. I am just not feeling it this year. Whatever. I’m going to take people out to dinner so we can eat but other than that I need cloths!

I was feeling like crap last night I thought my boyfriend was just going to get up and leave. I felt like this because I was sick and feeling ugly. Well he came in and wrapped his arms around me and asked how I was feeling. I said ‘Like crap.’ and he whispered in my ear, ‘Love you’ I turned to look at him and smiled and said “I love you too” which felt amazing. I still physically feel like crap but I do feel so much better on the boyfriend front. He said it like a million times yesterday and each time my heart skipped a beat.

Ok, so I’ll be honest. I do not celebrate the Christian concept of Christmas. I celebrate Yule, with a twist. Since I can’t burn a log its hard for me and since trees have a pagan root I try to get some sort of tree. This year it just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I’m sick which is sign one that yes it is Christmas! But the spirit? The Music? Nothing. I feel no joy in this year’s Christmas. I’m sitting here thinking that I’m just not that into Christmas this year. Call me the Grinch but I do not feel the need at this very moment to even begin to celebrate Christmas.

I have this amazing guy in my life that I adore. I’m falling in love with him fast and hard. He wants to go into the job corps and at first I was heart broken. I thought he was giving me the kiss of death. But he’s not. I’m happy that he wants to stick it out. That and he’s not even sure if he wants to go yet. So right now everything is up in the air. I’m happy don’t get me wrong that he wants to make something of himself but I’m not going to lie. I’ll miss falling asleep in his arms. Its ok if its meant to be it will be.